As a parent with a chronic illness, I know that finding time to care for ourselves can be difficult and something overlooked or put off until “there’s time.” As a mental health professional, I know the research shows a strong overlap between mental health symptoms and chronic pain. A 2025 study by Rachel Aaron et al. which systematically reviewed 347,468 individuals with chronic pain from 50 different countries, found 39.3 % of individuals were positive for symptoms of depression and 40.2% positive for symptoms of anxiety. The study goes on to note significant rates of depression and anxiety for younger adult women. While the study does not specifically identify reasons for this significance, such factors could be demands of parenting, caregiving for aging parents, increased work demands, or other relationship demands which all can occur in that time range, increasing the stress response. The study calls for integrated treatment approaches that value not only treating the physical aspect of chronic pain but the psychological impacts as well.
Giving ourselves permission to support our emotional wellbeing can also have a positive impact on our physical health and our ability to connect with those around us. Here are some ideas to support mental wellbeing daily:
Self-soothing with senses
Intentionally engaging in comfort with our five senses. Focus on safe, pleasant physical inputs to ground yourself in the present moment and disrupt the stress response.
- Vision: look at something calming or enjoyable (pictures of a favorite place/person, nature, or watch a movie).
- Hearing: listen to comfort sounds (music, nature/ocean waves, or talk with a friend).
- Smell: comfort smells (light a candle, lotions, essential oils, maybe a food with a specific smell, like popcorn or coffee).
- Taste: drink or food that is comforting (teas, coffee, even just water to hydrate! Have an enjoyable snack mindfully).
- Touch: soothing or cozy textures (heating pads, baths, fans on, wrap up self in a blanket burrito, or pet an animal)
Connecting with kids while doing as little movement as possible
Each day we can only do our best with what energy or capacity we have in that moment, but that doesn’t mean our connection with our kids is any less!
For Little Kids
- I Spy: sit on the couch and ask the kids to play “I Spy!” Pick a color, object, texture and have the kids guess. You could even have a mini scavenger hunt by sending them on a quest to find a list of items around the house.
- Pretend Play: pretend to be at a restaurant and order food that they must bring to you, or be a patient that is needing to be seen by the doctor.
- Simon Says or Freeze Dance: call out tasks for the kids to follow or be the DJ then everyone freezes when you stop the music!
- Couch Camp: bring out all the cozy blankets and stuffies. Throw on a movie or take turns reading at the camp!
For Older Kids
- Trivia Podcast: team up and see who can answer the most questions!
- Would You Rather: take turns asking and answering silly questions!
- Play Cards: could be anything from slap jack to Uno!
- Interest Share: ask them to share what music they are interested in right now, or maybe it’s a favorite influencer they want to show you.
- Pass a Story: one person starts with a sentence or word then the next continues on and on!
- Only Three Lines: one person draws three random lines of any shape or size, the next person makes up a drawing inspired and incorporating the lines.
- Illustrator: start to tell a story and have the kids be your illustrator and sketch it out!
Spend time in nature
Research suggests spending at least 120 minutes in nature each week can reduce stress, improve mood, boost focus/attention, foster creativity, improve sleep, and promote social interactions! Try to do small amounts frequently, like sitting in a chair while drinking your morning coffee, having lunch, or just lingering for a few minutes when you leave/arrive to a location.
Joy seeking and noticing gratitude
Make a list of big and small activities that have brought you joy or a sense of gratitude during the day. Joy can be a brief but intense positive emotion. Examples could be: standing in the sun for 20 seconds, hearing your kids laugh, getting an unexpected message from a friend, or having a pet give you perfectly timed cuddles. Seek out and notice what is going well in the day-to-day moments.
Positive distractions
Intentionally take a mental break from whatever is causing distress, and turn your focus to something enjoyable or neutral. Listen to podcasts, play trivia, read, do a crossword or Sudoku, try out a puzzle, color, talk with another spoonie, or watch favorite shows.
Calm your nervous system
Whether we are in pain physically or emotionally, our bodies automatically respond to stressors with our sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze). This can cause temporary physical changes like increased heart rate, shortness of breath, pupils dilating, digestive system slowing down, sweating, muscles contracting, and increased body temp. By focusing on giving the body physical cues that are associated with our parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest state!) we can help improve our mood and return to baseline.
- Paced Breathing or Just Right for You Breaths: try breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 2 seconds, and exhale for 6 seconds. If counting feels unnatural, just focus on a right steady breath for you; breathe in through your nose allowing your lungs to fully inflate, then exhale through your mouth slowly and longer than the inhale.
- Progressive Muscle Relaxation: tense up each muscle group then intentionally release, allowing your muscles to soften. You can find a video to follow or start with the muscles of your face, then neck/shoulders, arms, and so on until your muscles have relaxed even by 5%.
- Temperature Switch: cold water helps to slow our heart rate and reset breathing, especially during escalated emotional states like panic or anger. We can use temperature to activate the Mammalian Dive Reflex (a built-in survival mechanism that directs our body to automatically slow our heart and save oxygen when exposed to cold water). Place an ice pack on your face or the back of your neck, and focus on taking a few intentional breaths. You could even try a cold shower, splashing water on your face, or filling a bowl with cold water and dipping your face for 30 seconds. (If you have heart or lung issues, consult your doctor on what is safe for you).
- Decrease Input: our nervous system is constantly coding the environment and all that is around us, either as a cue of safety or danger. In environments that are overwhelming, it can help to decrease input or add comforting input. Turning down the sound around us, dimming lights, adding comfort to the temperature, even standing or sitting with our backs against the wall.
Practice saying no
Prioritize the things that matter to you, and limit negativity and unnecessary energy expending. Setting boundaries with others does not mean you do not care; boundaries show that you care about others and yourself. They help us to have healthy connections with those around us. Here are some ideas to help you say “no.”
- “My heart wants to say yes, but my body is saying no”
- “It’s ok to feel disappointed that our plans changed. It’s important that I listen to my body”
- “I don’t have enough spoons for that today. Let’s pick something else to do together”
(Editor’s note: for more on this subject, please see: Have You Been Exercising Your “No” Muscle? Here’s How!)
Embrace external supports
You don’t have to do it alone. Our circle of support does not have to be large or formal, but sending a text, starting a Facetime, or sitting down with someone can keep us connected and be a buffer against isolation. Ideas include:
- Reach out to your partner or fellow spoonie to vent or just to say you’re having a low day.
- Inviting a friend, grandparent, or neighbor over for support with the kids and ourselves.
- Find a national or local group for parents or join the Mamas Facing Forward private support group!
The phrase: “small things often” comes to mind when I think about how we can support our mental wellbeing while juggling parenthood and chronic conditions. Focus on what feels doable and helpful for you and your life. While that may change from day to day or evolve based on the season of life you find yourself in, it will lead us to feeling better connected and sturdy when we need it.
