As a neurodivergent clinical therapist with chronic illness, I can’t help but think back to my own childhood. In early childhood, it can be very common for us to imagine and role-play being a mom, parent, or part of a family. I remember often playing with baby dolls as a child and without any question or hesitation, assuming that I would become a mom one day.
As children, with or without chronic illness, we usually don’t yet understand all of the uncertainty that can surround becoming a parent. The if, when, and hows of building a family, we simply just imagine it happening. Then, as adults, we can find ourselves facing a reality that looks very different from what we may have imagined. Family planning can bring uncertainty, trauma, and grief when the path doesn’t unfold as we hoped. It’s overwhelming when the family we imagined, the timeline we expected, or the path we planned doesn’t turn out as we anticipated. Family planning can generally bring up a lot of thoughts and emotions, including difficult past experiences.
When our plans for building a family change, it’s helpful to focus on feeling safe, connected with community, and connected to ourselves, including our values, as we navigate what comes next. As we move into the topic of grief and family planning, it’s helpful to consider finding a therapist who feels like a good fit, someone you trust, and feel safe being vulnerable with. Navigating uncertainty, unexpected changes, and difficult emotions can feel incredibly isolating, particularly when it feels as though you are expected to navigate these experiences on your own. Therapy can provide a supportive and compassionate space to process what is coming up for you without judgment.
When seeking psychotherapy for anything related to family planning, it’s helpful to look for a clinician who has specific training and experience with family planning, pregnancy, prenatal and postpartum experiences, infertility, reproductive loss, etc. These experiences can bring up complex emotions, trauma, and may involve grief that is not always recognized. Grief is not linear, and there is no single or correct way to move through it. Having a therapist who understands the complexities of family-planning and grief can provide meaningful support as you navigate change, uncertainty, and the emotions that accompany them.
When processing grief related to family planning, it can be easy to compare ourselves, our families, and our journeys to those around us. Particularly when social media often presents a simplified or idealized version of other people’s experiences. These comparisons can leave us feeling isolated and disconnected from ourselves and others. Connecting with people who understand the complexities of living with chronic illness and navigating family planning can offer a sense of validation, belonging, and reassurance that we are not alone. Having a compassionate family unit as well can help provide a sense of safety.
Today, there are many ways to engage with community, including social media, online support groups and forums, Facebook groups, group therapy, organizations, and in-person gatherings or meetups. Finding the type of community that feels supportive and accessible to you can be an important part of caring for yourself through this process. It is also okay to step back from community spaces when they begin to feel overwhelming. Sometimes even well-intentioned support can bring up difficult emotions. Supportive relationships and community are fundamental human needs for safety, connection, and belonging. When family planning doesn’t happen as we expected, having people and spaces where we can feel understood, supported, and less alone can make an important difference in how we navigate grief and uncertainty.
One of the most important areas we can focus on while grieving with change or uncertainty is our connection with ourselves. This can include exploring and connecting with our own personal values, and allowing our values ground and guide us. This could also look like noticing how the different parts of ourselves may show up, along with the emotions, beliefs, and stories they carry, without judgment. One of these parts could even be a younger version of ourselves. A younger part who never anticipated having to experience this kind of grief. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an evidence-based psychotherapy model developed by Richard C. Schwartz, that views the mind as a system of parts, guided by a core Self.
Rather than judging or trying to push away these different parts of ourselves, we can begin to approach them with compassion and curiosity. What might it look like to offer care and understanding to the parts of us that are hurting? How can we lean in with curiosity when we notice a part of us seeking control, certainty, or reassurance? How can we offer ourselves love, patience, and care? Strengthening our connection with ourselves can be a powerful practice when facing uncertainty, grief, and adversity. While we may not be able to control how our family-planning journey unfolds, we can work toward building a compassionate relationship with ourselves as we navigate each chapter along the way.
Grief around family planning is not simply about letting go of a particular outcome. It can involve grieving an imagined future, a timeline, a version of ourselves, or the family we once assumed we would have. When chronic illness is part of the picture, these experiences can become even more complex, navigating uncertainty that we may have never anticipated. We may not be able to control every part of the path ahead, and accepting that uncertainty can be incredibly difficult. Finding a therapist who understands the complexities of family planning and chronic illness, connecting with people who can genuinely relate to our experiences, and continuing to strengthen our relationship with ourselves can really make a huge impact.
Most importantly, our lives do not have to unfold exactly as we imagined for them to still hold deep meaning, connection, love, and purpose. The younger version of ourselves who once played with baby dolls and imagined becoming a parent could not have known everything that adulthood might bring. We can grieve what we hoped for while remaining open to what may still be possible. We can honor the parts of ourselves that are hurting while offering them compassion, curiosity, and care. And we can let our values guide us through what comes next. Even within the uncertainty, there can still be opportunities to create a life that feels meaningful and authentically ours.
