I get it. We all want to be everything for our kids. We all want to make their school year the most productive, happy, exhilarating experience possible. In a perfect world, we would be able to be working, managing a happy home, making healthy meals from scratch, and being involved in our children’s school life (and sports! plays! karate!)
I honestly don’t think that is possible for anyone, but for those of us living with chronic health issues, it can be doubly discouraging. We don’t feel like there is a space for the parent who can’t fully commit, or who might need to take a step back unexpectedly. I can’t solve all of the problems, but I do have a few helpful suggestions for mamas living with chronic illness during these days of back to school deluge.
First, let’s get it out of the way: the PTA, room parent (or as our school system here calls it, “room ambassadors”), the helper with sports, the school talent show, the parent who is in charge of all of the left over water bottles at the end of soccer. Everywhere we turn this time of year, there is a form or dojo message asking for us to donate our time to help our kids have a great experience. And it all seems so innocuous. What’s a few PTA meetings and helping with some fundraising? How much would it really take for us to be the mom in charge of soccer snacks or driving some of the kids to an away game? Add multiple kids to the mix (and later, multiple schools!) and it gets more complex and can make us feel obligated and guilty.
To a typical person, who can chug an extra coffee and shuffle some things around, maybe it isn’t difficult. And I say this with no disrespect to “typical” moms. We all have challenges and I will never participate in the mommy wars. But when you’re suffering with chronic illness, we all know that we have an extra level of stress. I can commit to driving a group of kids in my SUV one day, but when the day comes, will I be having a flare? Will I put off medication so that I am at my most awake? Will I be fine and be able to sing along to the songs from “KPop Demon Hunters” with the kids? It’s anybody’s guess. And that makes it much more difficult to say yes. To literally anything.
I get around this by checking in as a mom who is willing to help, when able, instead of agreeing to being the one in charge. I tell them I can’t direct the play, but I am happy to help look for set dressing and costume pieces on my local “Buy Nothing” group. I can’t bring the kids to the game, but I can plan the end of season gift for the coaches and be on the party planning committee. Maybe I can’t do the PTA, or be the room ambassador; I can certainly be a mom who sends in snacks for the classroom, or supplies a year’s worth of hand sanitizer. And if I am feeling up to it, I am happy to volunteer last minute when the bookfair comes to town, or when the holiday party is coming up short for parents to help out.
Homelife is both easier and more complex to navigate. In our house, we do a lot of gardening and home preserving, so cooking from scratch is a priority for us. But it isn’t always a realistic possibility. What I do is a ton of meal planning. I make a monthly schedule where I put broad ideas, like “Turkey leftovers” the week after Thanksgiving, or “Leftovers and Freezer meals” on weeks when we have a bunch of activities going on. I also make a weekly, more specific, meal plan. That is what I post on the fridge so that literally anyone in the house can see it, and if they can help by pulling a roaster out of the freezer, or washing some potatoes, or peeling carrots, they can help anytime. (Hope springs eternal with this one, some days, but others it works and the kiddo will grab some carrots to peel, or my husband will pull something out to defrost!). This eliminates a lot of guesswork, and also allows for me to plan on things like easy crockpot dinners on days when we need them.
I have also done meal prep in groups with friends. We all walk out of an afternoon of meal prepping with a lasagna to freeze, some InstaPot and Crockpot meals ready to throw in and cook, and the idea that we are not alone in making this effort. If you don’t have a group of people who would be interested in doing this, it might be a fun idea to float in the parent group chat or in a local parenting group. (Oh dear, did I just add something to the list? Being a planner is both a blessing and a curse!)
The funniest part of trying to be supermom is that creating a happy home is the easiest part for many of us. And we nearly always forget about these compassionate kids we are raising. Once we step back and shift our focus from what we lack to what we bring to the table for our children, it becomes so clear. A true gratitude practice is wonderful, if we have the time, but the small gratitude in the knowledge that our children are probably more empathetic and caring because of who we are is lovely. And truthful. Because they are also learning to be flexible, and out of necessity have to “go with the flow” more than other kids, they become these adaptable humans who are kind and understanding and realize that they need to function with other people – not despite other people. And truly, that gift (the one we wish we didn’t have to give our children) is not to be minimized.
But homelife can be easier with frank and realistic conversations with our children (and partners). What we wish we could be, what we hope we are not, and what we are striving for is all part of who we are, and who our family is. We can all have this conversation, our kids can also figure out where they are in the mix. Can they help? Can they be responsible for some of the little things (like helping with meals or similar)? Even our youngest can help with putting their toys away and their clothes in a hamper. And certainly, partners take an active role in all of this. If they aren’t on the same page as we are, this is as good of a time as any for one of those “State of the Union” conversations about what we need from each other.
But more important than a chore list, meal planning, PTA obligations denied, or blowing off the track parents’ fundraising event is the kindness that we bring to our family. The ability to step back and see that we are perfectly wonderful, as long as we are raising our babies the best we can. Do we look like an Instagram household? No. But even those content creators don’t show you the space behind the camera where they’ve piled up last week’s homework folders and the undone laundry or the unattractive dog bowls and cat boxes. We can be real, and we can surround our children with love and compassion, and if we can jump into the book fair and bring some orange slices to karate, all the better. And if we are unable to commit to more (or anything at all), we can still recognize that we are amazing mamas who are trying our best and we don’t need to bring the mom guilt for not being the one to bring the orange slices to karate. We are teaching the kids a lot about taking care of ourselves and ultimately, that is a brilliant lesson. The kids will be alright, as they say. And so will we.
